Now, let’s talk about chasing your ex. This is a habit that’s hard to break because it almost seems like a good strategy. How can you catch your ex if you don’t chase them? I’ll explain to you why this mindset is hurting your chances and what to do to stop chasing your ex and to connect with them more naturally. This is something that I learned very early on, and it’s been one of the most consistent lessons that I’ve had to teach others. Once you learn this lesson, you’ll be able to focus on truly effective strategies. This is because, at the end of the day, chasing your ex just doesn’t work. Now, what do I mean by chase your ex? Obviously, I’m not talking about literally running down the street after them, although that’s definitely not a good idea either. What I am referring to is any kind of action that essentially leads you to actively pursue your ex in an attempt to change their mind about breaking up or to convince them to take you back.
Signals to know that you are chasing your ex
Chasing your ex can be as simple as texting your ex repeatedly when they don’t respond initially, but generally, it’s a bit more abstract. It’s more about your own mindset and your approach to dealing with your ex. So chasing with your ex means the following:
- Begging
- Pleading
- Spamming them with messages or calls
- Apologizing over and over
- Agreeing to their every demand
- Allowing them to manipulate you
- Sending them flowers or gifts (without any occasion or without their willingness to accept)
These are all examples of chasing your ex. Just don’t get this confused; I don’t mean that you should simply stop putting any effort to win back your ex. That’s not what I’m saying at all. If you’ve paid attention to this point, then there are plenty of strategies for you to employ here that don’t involve sacrificing your self-respect. That’s all that chasing your ex actually accomplishes. As I’ve said, chasing your ex is what most humans will naturally tend to do when they’re dumped or when they change their mind about breaking up. When we want something from somebody else, we ask for it, bargain for it, or buy it.
We don’t try to play mind games or think about psychology but when it comes to getting your ex back, asking for another chance, begging for another chance, trying to buy or bribe your way into another chance, trying to convince an ex to change their mind, those are the exact opposite things that make your ex want to take you back. Emotions play a big role in this. You probably love your ex a lot, miss them a lot, and want them to know that. You want to tell them how badly you want to try over and start over again. Explain how things will be different. You fear losing your ex for good, and you worry that’s going to happen unless you act now and convince them to take you back.
But when you act on those emotions and fears, you’re just chasing your ex, and usually making it harder and harder to ever get them back. Now, it’s a good thing you’re here because this realization often comes too late. Your instinct is to chase after your ex and tighten your grip as you feel them slip further and further away. You may not know that it’s happening at all, but then one day it slowly dawns on you that your ex is further from you than ever, despite all your best efforts.
Why you risk losing your ex when you chase them beyond a certain point
It may slowly dawn on you that your ex is further from you than ever, despite all your best efforts. Now, the reason this happens is simple: when you ask or beg your ex to take you back, you immediately lower your own value, in the eyes of your ex. All of a sudden, you put your ex in total control and hand them all the power. You basically make yourself subservient to them.
Now, this is fundamentally unattractive, and 99% of the time, it’s going to make your ex more confident that breaking up was the right choice. They’ll think to themselves, ‘Wow, this is pathetic, my ex is a loser and I can do better.’ This happens subconsciously and they cannot control it. They might still tell you that they love you and miss you, even after you do and say things that lower your value, but they will see you differently, resulting in them being less and less interested in ever taking you back. Also, more than that, when you chase your ex, this typically ends up with you being willing to do or say anything that will give you a chance to talk to them or see them in person.
You’re totally vulnerable to being used and manipulated by your ex. Hopefully, your ex isn’t a manipulative person, but after a breakup, even the most kind person can take advantage of this kind of offer without realizing the pain that they’re causing you.
Most importantly, here when you do chase your ex, you remove any sense of urgency or pressure for them to come back to you. If your ex knows that you jump at the chance to take them back, that you’re not interested in seeing anyone but them, and that you’re just there waiting for them to change their mind, they’ll see no reason to rush things. They’ll take their time and think about whether or not they want you back. And often this extra time that they spend thinking about it, will allow them to move on, and find somebody new without all the baggage.
Never chase your Ex and do this
Now, this is especially true if you decide to ignore my advice and not employ a period of no contact after the breakup. When you’re always there for your ex, you always immediately reply to their texts, agree to whatever time and place they suggest to meet up, and bend over backward at any chance to help them with a favor, you’re only driving them further away.
The best thing you can do is the exact opposite. And when you apply the no-contact strategy, for example, you’re not giving your ex what they want. You’re not giving them an unlimited timeframe to test the waters or find somebody new, knowing they can change their mind about breaking up, and you’ll readily agree.
Sure, you would agree if they asked, and that doesn’t need to change, but they should be concerned that you may not agree. They must feel like the clock is ticking, and soon you’ll move on to find somebody new, forcing them to commit permanently to the breakup.
No contact upends your ex’s expectations, and it forces them to feel the full consequences of breaking up, along with creating uncertainty about what you’re doing and whether you’ll be willing to take them back. That can often, by itself, change your ex’s mind about breaking up. I see it all the time when my coaching clients use the no-contact strategy; their ex will often panic after a week or two of silence and realize that this might be permanent unless they change their mind soon, and they (ex) buckle under the pressure and the fear of loss.
This is how you get your ex back without chasing them. By using my strategy, you stay in control and maintain your integrity. Sending your ex gifts, flowers, or love notes—these are signs of desperation, and they’re going to come across to your ex as though you’re chasing after them. And while there may be one-in-a-thousand where spilling your heart out in a long love letter to your ex will actually work and help you win them back. The other 999 times out of a thousand, it’ll be a turn-off for your ex and shift the balance of power further in their favor.
So if you do want to do that kind of thing, gush your heart out to your ex, get down on your knees and beg them to forgive you, show up at their door with a ring and propose, then do it knowing that all you’re going to accomplish is sharing your feelings. And this is not going to help you get them back, as per my experience. And I’m saying that as somebody who’s worked with thousands of clients in this exact situation.
So at this point, you know, maybe you’re left wondering are there any times where chasing your ex can be a good idea? What if your ex is the type of person who wants to be chased? If not, they will get angry and resentful if you don’t put in the effort to chase them and play the game, so to speak, like they want you to. Frankly, that kind of situation is more about your ex’s ego and desire to feel wanted than anything else. Generally speaking, you don’t want to play ball regardless of what your ex wants, although sometimes you may need to pay heed to keep them from becoming genuinely angry that you’re not initiating contact enough or trying to keep their attention. But overall, no, there’s almost no situation where chasing your ex is a good idea if you are hoping to get them back.
Final reason for not chasing your ex beyond a certain point
Let me share one final reason why not to chase your ex beyond a point eventually, it will hurt your self-esteem and it could even cause people around you to lose respect for you. Strong, confident people, the kind of people that are usually being chased by the opposite sex, and who succeed in all aspects of life, don’t chase after others for long. They have the confidence and self-belief not to play that game and the willpower and discipline to stick to proven strategies like the ones in this blog. They adopt a mindset by thinking that their ex made a mistake breaking up with me and I hope they realize that before I find somebody new. They have pride, and they won’t let themselves be used, manipulated, or strung along by their ex even if they love them and miss them.
So by not chasing your ex, you greatly improve your chances of actually getting them back and you’re taking the high road and showcasing your confidence and your self-worth to everyone around you, including your ex.
