With over 13 years of experience as a breakup coach, I have provided guidance to tens of thousands of patients/clients worldwide. During our initial encounter, the majority of my new clients expressed that their ex dumped them due to various reasons. However, they then proceed to elaborate on the primary reasons provided by their ex for the breakup. Even in cases when the separation was mutually agreed upon, the majority of clients will still divulge specific information regarding what their ex communicated to them during the breakup. Presumably, your ex provided you with an explanation for the necessity of a breakup. Perhaps they provided you with explicit and tangible justifications such as their academic commitments hindering their ability to maintain a healthy relationship, their dissatisfaction with your frequent arguments, and their desire for children while you are uncertain about your own capacity to do them. Perhaps they employed a more enigmatic tone, expressing sentiments such as the absence of a spark and a perceived lack of connection.
Irrespective of the content or rationale behind their expressed desire to terminate the relationship, it is imperative to acknowledge that one’s former partner likely provided incomplete information or potentially engaged in deceptive behavior. Based on my personal observations, nearly all romantic separations have a certain level of deception, whether it is done with good intentions or occurs unconsciously. It is imperative to bear in mind, as one peruses my blog post and endeavors to regain the affection of one’s former partner, that the ex in question did not exhibit complete honesty or transparency in their rationale for terminating the relationship.
Perhaps they provided you with a significant portion of the genuine rationale, or perhaps they deliberately deceived you and fabricated a justification, or perhaps they lack self-awareness regarding their genuine desire to terminate the relationship. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your ex and the particular dissolution of your relationship, it is important to exercise caution and refrain from excessively fixating on the reasons provided by your ex for desiring to terminate the partnership. Now, I’m sure you’re curious about the veracity of your ex’s explanation for the breakup. Why would your ex engage in deception or suppress the truth? There exist several reasons, so it is expeditious to address a selection of the most prevalent ones.
Ex lied: They are unwilling to cause emotional harm to you.
Oftentimes, the underlying cause is straightforward: your former partner felt a strong desire to provide you with a sense of resolution and felt obligated to elucidate the dissolution of their relationship, although they were unwilling to cause further harm. Terminating a relationship is exceedingly challenging for both individuals involved, not alone the individual who is being abandoned. Unless your relationship concluded with a heated altercation and significant hostility, it is likely that your ex felt remorseful about having to cause you harm by terminating it, and they attempted to mitigate the impact to the greatest extent possible. Consequently, in numerous instances, your former partner will either openly fabricate the grounds for the separation or selectively provide you with incomplete information. Ultimately, considering the viewpoint of your former partner, what benefits can be derived from revealing the truth and causing further harm?
For instance, you may be aware that your former partner harbored a strong aversion towards your friends and had lost interest in you due to your significant weight gain since the beginning of your relationship. Wouldn’t it be far more distressing to get such a statement compared to a statement such as “We have simply become distant and I no longer perceive that bond” or “I have reached a stage in my life where I require solitude?” As previously stated, your ex may have provided you with partial information. They may have identified a single issue that was troubling your relationship and claimed it was the primary cause for your breakup. However, this was actually just one of several factors that influenced their decision to terminate the relationship.
Typically, this is done with good intentions. Your ex maintains a certain level of concern for you and is reluctant to further distress you by divulging the genuine motives for their decision to terminate their relationship. Even in instances, where a breakup is mutually agreed upon, it is uncommon for your ex to provide a complete explanation for their belief that it is most advantageous for you to split. Typically, your ex is being deceitful due to their genuine concern for your well-being and their want to minimize the emotional distress during the separation.
Ex lied: To mitigate drama or disputes
The second reason is their desire to prevent excessive drama or disputes.This is another prevalent factor contributing to your ex’s tendency to deceive or provide incomplete information regarding their decision to end their relationship.
They possess a strong desire to evade engaging in an argument or a dispute since they are aware that such behavior may engender heightened tension and prompt further inquiries.
For instance, it is possible that you and your former partner frequently had disagreements or conflicts on a particular issue that negatively impacted your relationship. Perhaps you possess a propensity for jealousy, which has resulted in feelings of insecurity and dependency.
Perhaps you have exerted excessive control over your former partner, attempting to regulate their social circles and leisure activities. These are prevalent problems in several relationships that frequently persist and ultimately result in the termination (of the relationship). Many individuals are reluctant to broach this topic during a romantic separation.
Considering the viewpoint of your ex, what benefits would it yield? They had engaged in numerous arguments with you over these matters during your previous relationship, nevertheless, the fundamental issue remained unresolved, ultimately resulting in your ex being infuriated and opting to terminate the relationship. Reiterating the same issues and grievances with you after a breakup is futile for your ex, who has likely concluded that there is no possibility of improvement. Instead, they typically provide a less extraordinary justification for the separation, such as the old cliche “it’s not you, it’s me,” or a more specific explanation like the fact that I am currently attending school full-time and we will be living two hours apart, which is no longer feasible.
They may just express ambiguity and imply that we have lost the momentum and they no longer perceive a sense of connection. Regardless of the specific rationale provided for their separation, it is probable that they are employing it as a pretext to evade addressing the underlying issue that precipitated their choice, recognizing that doing so will inevitably result in a conflict or further inquiries from you, which they merely wish to evade.
Ex lied: out of experiences of a sense of guilt
Your ex may have experienced profound remorse for causing you harm through the termination of their relationship, or perhaps they harbored guilt regarding the underlying cause of the breakup. For instance, although it is hoped that this does not apply to you, your former partner may have encountered a new individual. Perhaps they are not now involved in a romantic relationship with this new person, or they may be uncertain about the compatibility of their relationship.
However, if your ex possesses any sense of moral integrity, it is highly improbable that they would be inclined to be truthful in a circumstance like this. This feeling is even if they have seen someone who truly captivates them and they believe is deserving of their pursuit.
Ultimately, how distressing would it be for you to learn that they are departing from you, you are aware, in favor of that new individual at the workplace. Even in the absence of an official romantic relationship or any form of romantic or physical intimacy, individuals may be reluctant to disclose information about their newfound romantic interest.
Consequently, they may experience feelings of guilt regarding the need to cause harm through the dissolution of their relationship, or they may harbor guilt regarding the underlying cause of the breakup, such as engaging in flirtatious behavior with a recently encountered individual. It is evident that a significant portion of the population tends to exhibit a reluctance to openly acknowledge such matters.
Ex lied: Concealing an object
The last potential explanation is quite infrequent, although it is relevant to the aforementioned topic. It is possible that your former partner deceived you throughout the separation due to their involvement in a highly mischievous act that they wish to conceal from you. For example, perhaps they are engaging in a romantic relationship with your friend and are unwilling to inform you or anybody else about it in order to prevent causing harm and to avoid appearing untrustworthy when others become aware of their adulterous and dishonest conduct.
As previously said, this occurrence is seldom, affecting just a small number of individuals. However, it is sometimes the cause for your ex’s decision to conceal their actual motive for terminating their relationship. Regardless of the motives behind your ex’s selective or deceitful communication on their decision to end their relationship, it is inconsequential in terms of your ability to progress and regain their trust. It is evident that the reason for your ex’s lack of honesty is not necessarily due to their dishonesty or bad character, but rather because they just wanted to avoid causing you any unnecessary harm.
Now, let us proceed to briefly examine several prevalent justifications that one’s former partner may have provided for the breakup. These are commonly reported by my clients, which are evidently contrived or partially fictional justifications that may have been provided by your ex.
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Typical justification: It is not you, but rather me.
The primary reason that is frequently cited is that it is not you, but rather me. I believe it is unnecessary to inform you, but if your ex makes a cliched statement like this, claiming that you have not committed any wrongdoing or that there are no specific factors that led to their decision to end the relationship, except for unexplained personal reasons, they are likely lying to conceal the true reason.
The sole instance in which this type of justification may possess a degree of truth is when one’s former partner actually lacks a clear understanding of the reasons behind the breakup. They are aware of their dissatisfaction and desire to withdraw, so they directly approach the old line of “it’s not you, it’s me” in order to provide closure.
Furthermore, through this action, they explicitly communicate that they are not terminating your relationship due to their dissatisfaction with a certain matter. However, even in such circumstances, it is likely that your ex will have underlying motivations for their wish to breakup. However, they may struggle to pinpoint the precise causes in their mind. Therefore, it is highly unlikely that you should trust your ex if they provide you with such an explanation for the breakup. This statement is seldom accurate and fails to provide any meaningful understanding of their thinking.
Typical justification: I simply require to be left alone to contemplate and resolve matters.
When your ex expresses sentiments such as “I require a period of solitude to ascertain my desires,” they are expressing these sentiments for one of two underlying rationales. Either they are employing it as a convenient pretext to evade causing harm or engaging in a dispute, as previously stated, or they are essentially conveying that they are uncertain about our future and do not have any existing relationship. They desire your temporary absence so that they can assess whether you are suitable for them or if they can survive independently and seek another individual.
Regardless, it is an often-seen sentiment among ex-partners following a separation, indicating a high likelihood of reuniting if one adheres to the suggestions and techniques I will now present.
Additionally, it is crucial to acknowledge and honor your ex’s desires for physical and emotional distance, despite your efforts to reconcile with them.
Common excuse of Ex: I don’t have time for a real relationship right now
This is another very common excuse that your ex may give you when explaining why they think breaking up was necessary. Guess what, just like the previous one this is usually a flat-out lie or at least it’s only a small part of the real reason. So here’s the thing you need to understand. When the romantic attraction is strong enough in other words when someone is super into you and wants to be with you, they’ll always find a way to overcome logistical or practical issues like these.
Love trumps all, at least when the passion and attraction are strong enough, including things like a busy schedule. So if your ex really felt like you were their soul mate, if they desperately wanted to be with you and felt a strong emotional and physical connection they make the time for you. Rather they’d be willing to accept, not seeing you for a few weeks at a time just to keep you in their life.
So whether it can often be some truth through this kind of statement, I’m sure your ex will have no time for all this, it’s also never a big enough problem that it can’t be overcome if your ex is sufficiently attracted to you and believes that you’re the right person for them. So if your ex did use an excuse like this some kind of practical reason for breaking up such as being, too busy or living too far apart, or we’re just from two different worlds etc. It may not be a lie in the traditional sense of the word but it’s also not something that you should worry about.
Common excuse of Ex: I don’t feel we have a future together or it’s not going to work in the long run
If your ex told you that they think you don’t have a realistic future together, whether they elaborate on that or not it’s again indicative of an underlying loss of attraction like we just discussed.
If your ex really felt a strong connection and desperately wanted to be with you they’d find ways in their head to justify staying together and overcoming any practical challenges that you might face if you were to stay together.
One common example of this is in long-distance relationships. So often your ex will use this type of excuse to justify breaking up. They’ll say things like they don’t think this can work in long-term since we’re so far apart, suggesting that the distance between you now is something that will be insurmountable and prevent you from having a happy lasting long-term future together. Guess what, it’s because they don’t feel attracted enough to you to work around those issues or at least continue to put up with the distance for now until you can someday work out a plan to be together in the same place.
So, as I mentioned before if you want to get back together, then the key is to shift your ex’s perception of you and your value as a romantic partner to the point where they’ll push aside those practical reasons about distance and decide to stay with you and just hope that both of you be able to work out a plan to be together in the long run.
Common excuse of Ex: We’ve drifted apart and I don’t feel the same connection
This one is sometimes partly true, the simple fact is that sometimes romantic connections do fade over time. The spark that you felt early in your relationship just sort of Fizzles out. Things become dull and routine and your ex may have just fallen out of love with you over time.
It happens. It’s usually preventable but it’s also often a real emotion that your ex is feeling so this isn’t always a flat-out lie. It’s usually somewhat true, but it doesn’t explain the underlying reasons for why that connection and that spark has faded. So if your ex is telling you things like I just don’t feel like we’re compatible anymore or We’ve lost the spark and we’re just drifting apart what you usually can believe them to some extent. The real question is though what caused that loss of Attraction and romantic connection. Your ex may not actually know the answer to that or they may not just not want to explain to you the full reason why they think that spark is faded either way. The key in this kind of situation is to change your ex’s mind about the breakup and about your compatibility as a couple. This is also something you’re going to learn as you continue to go through the program.
Now before I conclude this blog, I want to come back around to the underlying lesson that I mentioned at the beginning you need to remember. That your ex probably lied to you or at least withheld part of the truth, when they told you why they felt breaking up was necessary. I know this might sound repetitive, but so many of my clients will nod and say that they understand this, only to then tell me, but my ex also said that another XYZ reason was also part of the problem.
So what I’m trying to explain is that you should for the most part disregard whatever reasons or justifications that your ex gave you for the breakup even though they might have been partly truthful. It’s not necessary or advisable to fixate on the specific reasons that your ex gave you.
Fixating on any one reason might mostly in many cases. Example: If your ex gave the reason of longer distance being the factor for the breakup, to make this work well you might be tempted to assume that moving closer to your ex would just solve this problem and lead your ex to take you back.
But as I said, that’s almost certainly it is not the full reason for the breakup, moving next door to your ex is not going to result in you getting back together overnight. There’s always more to the story than what your ex told you and most of their reasons for breaking up can be overcome by changing how they perceive and think about you by rebuilding a romantic spark and shifting the balance of power back in your favor and by making them realize on their own that breaking up was a mistake.
So forget whatever your ex told you during the breakup, understand that you really never got the full truth from them and that getting your ex back is not about fixing the one or two things that your ex mentioned that they thought led to the breakup.
